u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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