booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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