My sheets look like a crime scene.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
