My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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