Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
