at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
