4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
