I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
