all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
