woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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