I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
