i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
