Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
