Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
