the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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