dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
