and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
