Tell her she can't have a vagina
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
