You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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