I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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