why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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