You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
