My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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