Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
