Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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