Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We have started to decorate penises.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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