woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize