My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
