Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
