Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just want to make out with him forever
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
