we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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