I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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