The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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