HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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