I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
