You're my little dorito
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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