I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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