we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
