My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
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