The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't deserve a penis
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
