I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
