i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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