Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
