Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize