Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
