Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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