When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
