Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
