can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
