you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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