Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
