Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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