My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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