I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
