Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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