I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
