Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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