Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
