The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
