I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
