I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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