I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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