I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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