I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Randomize
